i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
