I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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