Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
