I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
