so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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