No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
