Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
