Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
