He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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