Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
