sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
