Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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