She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
