so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I intend to get homeless drunk
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
