So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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