I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
