why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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