Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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