I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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