He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
