Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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