i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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