Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
