Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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