this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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