I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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