Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
