The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
