I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
