No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
