So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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