I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
