Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
