I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
