The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
