You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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