Swine flu. Run for my life!
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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