he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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