I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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