Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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