Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We had sex on a dog bed..
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