does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
