i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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