Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
if only i could text you this smell
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
3 2 1 whiskey
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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