my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How does one acquire holy water?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
