dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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