my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
