not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
