Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
