The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
