im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
