When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
